Am I Controlling?

Last weekend, I spent some time with a close friend and his boyfriend. Honestly, there aren’t many relationships around me that I admire—but theirs is one of them.

The two of them are so unapologetically themselves together. They’re quirky, weird, annoying, and a little unhinged in their own ways, and the other just smiles at it all.

It’s adorable.

It’s also something I’ve never experienced.

In different ways, every relationship I’ve been in has felt controlling. My first boyfriend’s anxiety meant he tried to keep me from leaving the house. The next one’s arrogance had him constantly telling me what to do. And the most recent…well, he was just plain possessive.

On Monday, I was unpacking this with my therapist—how I love the idea of being my carefree, “wild child” self with a partner, but had never felt that freedom.

When I finished my ramble, he just looked at me and asked: “In what ways are YOU controlling?”

The question threw me, but he had a point. I’d been assuming I was attracting controlling men—but what if something about my behavior was bringing that out in them instead?

I don’t know if that’s true, but it’s an interesting thought experiment.

For the most part, I don’t think of myself as controlling. Still, I can see a few ways I’ve been guilty of it—and where I could do better.

1. Locked In

The people closest to me know I take commitments seriously. If we plan a coffee date, I expect you to show up. We’re all busy, and I find it disrespectful when people forget that.

No one makes more commitments to you than your partner, though—and I haven’t always given enough grace here.

One of the worst fights I had with my ex was over the gym. He’d promised to come to a fitness class with me, only to cancel five minutes before leaving the house because he didn’t have the right pants.

Was that a silly excuse? I think so. But my reaction at the time was way bigger than it needed to be. Some things just aren’t worth the explosion.

2. The Highest of Expectations

When I see potential in my partners—whether in their careers, fitness goals, or just growth in general—I can get way too invested. What feels like encouragement to me probably comes off as pushing.

I have to remind myself: their journey is theirs. I can support them when they seek it, but my main focus should always be on my own path—my career, my goals, my life.

As Mel Robbins would say, sometimes you just have to “let them”—it’s their lives.

3. Latching On

I’ve always made it a priority to build close relationships with my partner’s friends and family. Partly because I genuinely like people, and partly because it felt like a caring way to show effort.

But sometimes, I overdo it.

With my most recent ex, I started going to every social gathering—and even planning them before looping him in. That left no space for him to decide when he wanted me there.

In the end, it suffocated us.

_____

I’m grateful for this little mirror exercise. For years, I’ve been frustrated by the same relationship patterns—and maybe I’ve played a bigger role than I thought.